Ron Weasley: Dark Lord
by Insanity Allegra
Summary: The Triwizard Tournament was the last straw. Harry got it all. Two girlfriends, fame, money. And he was left with the dregs. But he'd show them! He'd show them all! And he'd start by destroying Potter. After dinner, though. Nothing was so important it couldn't wait until after his sixth plate. A response to Paladeus' "The Next Dark Lord: Ron Weasely" Challenge. H/HR/LL, RW/?
1. The Rise of a New Dark Lord

_**Disclaimer:**_

A teenage girl with large square glasses and short, poorly-dyed and uncontrollable brown-black hair sits at a table in the corner of the cafeteria at the local community college, a laptop in front of her and a pair of headphones nestled in the disaster she calls hair. A tap on her shoulder makes her whirl around, only to unexpectedly see an adorable little blond girl, maybe three years old.

"Hewwo!" The tiny Luna Lovegood exclaims. "Whatcha doin'?"

The teen pulls the tot onto her lap and laughs. "Writing the Disclaimer, my dear. Would you like to help?"

The blond nods eagerly. "Uh-huh!"

"Okay, then. Tell them." She turns so they are facing the Fourth Wall, and little Luna gives the readers a big grin, missing a few teeth.

"Insanity Allegwa no own Hawwy Pottew, and the chawwenge was is-ued by Pala... Pala..."

"Paladeus, my dear."

"Yeah, dat."

"Thank you, Luna." The teen gushed. "For those of you that don't speak three-year-old, I, Insanity Allegra, AKA insaneshadowfangirl, do not own Harry Potter and anything affiliated with it, and this story is a response to Paladeus' "The Next Dark Lord: Ron Weasley" Challenge. Story will be Harry/Hermione/Luna, and Ron/?, and only semi-serious. Or should that be semi-Sirius?"

Luna claps her little hands. "Enjoy!"

~! #$%^&*()_+

Harry James Potter was walking on air.

It may have been Halloween, the anniversary of the day his parents died.

His Godfather may have been still on the run.

He may have a mass-murderer after him.

But none of that mattered. Not compared to the two beautiful, intelligent young women who'd agreed to be his, and each other's, only hours before. And now, at the Halloween Feast, when the three Triwizard Champions would be chosen to compete in a tournament he was genuinely looking forward to watching, he had his amazing and loyal Hermione on his left, and his gorgeous and bubbly Luna on his right, and aside from Ron's obvious and rather pathetic jealousy, everything was perfect.

There was nothing that could ruin this day...

"_Harry Potter!_" Dumbledore shouted, after catching the slip of paper that had flown out of the Goblet of Fire.

"_FUCK!_"

He stood up and glared at the White Wiz- Wait, wrong story... At the old white bumblebee... Nope, but getting warmer... at the delusional old man they called Headmaster. Yeah, that one. "I didn't enter!"

"Nevertheless, Mister Po-"

"STOP PATRONIZING ME! I DIDN'T ENTER, I WILL _NOT_ COMPETE!"

That was about when the Redheaded Stomach decided to speak.

"Couldn't let someone else have the glory for once, could you, Potter!? You figured out how to get past the Age Line, but couldn't even be bothered to tell your BEST MATE?!"

"Ronald, will you _shut up_?!" Luna demanded, her usual dreamy demeanor decimated due to danger directed at her death-deficient boyfriend. "This isn't about you!"

"Bloody wanker decides to cheat and enters a deadly tournament that is made for older kids and will probably kill him, and _it's not about me_!? Of course it's about me!" Ron slammed a fist on the table, and everyone looked at him, confused.

"Um, what?" Neville stared at Ron, unable to find even the smallest grain of sense in that statement. And even Purebloods needed a tiny amount of logic to survive.

"Mister Potter! I must insist you go through the doors for the Champions. The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract. Even if you did not enter your name, you must compete or lose your magic!"

Harry glared up at Dumbledore, an irritated twitch in his face. "_**Fine.**_ But before I do..." He raised his wand. "I, Harry James Potter, swear on my life and my magic, that I did _not_ enter my name in the Goblet of Fire, did _not_ wish to enter the Triwizard Tournament, was _not_ aware my name had been entered, and, if I _must_ compete, I will do so not as a champion, but as an Unwilling Competitor. On pain of loss of life and magic, so mote it be!"

On the last syllable, a flash of light surrounded Harry for an instant, before fading. Harry pointed his wand at the doors to the Great Hall and allowed the thought of Hermione and Luna to fill him with happiness. "_Expecto Patronum!_" A nearly-solid-but-made-of-silver-mist stag _burst_ from his wand and galloped away, actually knocking the doors open. Hundreds of gasps were heard around the Hall at the sheer _power_ behind the Patronus Charm.

"I hope," Harry hissed, though everyone in the Hall heard him, "That this little display was enough to stop rumors of me cheating to enter, or being a glory hound. I didn't want this, and if I hear my name dragged through the mud over this, I will be _very_ angry."

Several audible gulps were heard as the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-One-Scary-Bastard-When-Angry stomped back to the Gryffindor table, and offered his arms to the two young ladies there.

"Mione, Luna? If you'd like?"

Dumbledore thought about objecting to the girls' presence, but wisely refrained, instead following the new Golden Trio into the room set aside to brief the Champions.

Little did they know what they were leaving behind.

! #$%^&*()_+

Ron Weasley was furious!

First, Harry, no, _POTTER_, gets TWO birds, HIS Hermione and Loony Lovegood, of all people, and then cheats his way into the tournament, then he tries to refuse to compete, _then_ he finds his way around a Wizard's Oath, and _**then**_ he scares the shit out of everyone, ensuring nobody would tell the truth!

And he didn't even bother to let Ron in on his plans!

Well, he'd show that half-blood bastard! He'd become the next Dark Lord, Ron Stoppable- Er... Wrong story, again. The next Dark Lord, Ron Weasley! Yeah! And he'd destroy Potter and his two bimbos!

He could see absolutely nothing that could go wrong with this plan! Then again, he could see nothing past the desserts now laid out on the table before him, either.

Evil could wait until he'd had five or six helpings, right?

~! #$%^&*()_+

Footnote:

Insane smiles at the readers, picking up toddler Luna and heading out of the cafeteria. "I hope you enjoyed..." She grins mischievously. "What will Ron's first act as the New Dark Lord be? What will our Golden Trio do next? Will anyone else be stupid enough to believe that Harry entered his name in the Tri-Wiz? Will I ever shut up? Find out next time on Ronald Weasley: Dark Lord! In the meantime, why not leave me a nice review so I can afford a lollipop for this cute little toddler?"


	2. Poor Planning

_**Disclaimer: **_Insanity Allegra rolls her eyes as she reads a review. "Look at this!" She gestures to the screen in irritation. "This doesn't even make sense! It's barely coherent!"

"Don't give yourself an ulcer over the trolls, Insane." The anthromorphic blue hedgehog leaning against the wall groans.

Insane slams her head onto the desk in front of her. "But Sooooonic..."

"Insane, seriously."

"Oh, fine."

"Good girl."

"Hey, look at this one!"

"Which one?" The blue blur leans in closer. "gphoenix51's?"

"No, the one above that. Though I have to agree with that Mr. Phoenix, in that Ron is useless."

"So the one by Redwood Rhiadra?"

"Yeah."

"What about it? Looks like a normal review to me..."

"What does 'inauspicious' mean?"

"I dunno. You know I didn't attend school..."

"Ugh! I'll Google it..." She pulls up Internet Explorer and opens Google. "'Inauspicious'; adjective... Not conducive to success, unpromising. Unlucky. Hmm. Interesting..."

Sonic stares at her. "And you didn't know what that means? It sounds like a perfect word for you." He snickers.

Insane reaches under the desk and pulls out a large knife. "I suggest you run."

"Oh, _shit_!" Sonic turns tail and bolts, with Insane making tracks after him, leaving the chapter for the Readers to read, and a post-it note saying that she doesn't own Harry Potter or any other references.

~! #$%^&*()_+

Ron Weasley, Dark Lord stalked through the halls, looking for a good place to make his evil plans to take down Potter and his slags.

He wanted somewhere close to the kitchen, so he wouldn't have to walk very far to stuff his face. But he also wanted it to be big enough to practice his evil spells in. And to play chess and fool around with all the girlfriends- no, Dark Consorts – he planned to acquire, whether through his natural charm or perhaps some Dark Magic of sorts.

That was, of course, ignoring the fact that he didn't actually _know_ any dark magic. It couldn't be that hard to cast, he did, after all, know the incantations for all three Unforgivables. And he could always use a cutting curse, he was really good at those!

To demonstrate, if only to himself, his prowess at the _diffindo_ charm, he fired at a tapestry on the wall. The decorative cloth barely frayed, but Ron cheered, gaining him several nervous looks from passing Hufflepuffs.

Incorectly interpreting these uncertain glances as fear, rather than concern for his sanity, Ron Weasley, Dark Lord, cackled evilly.

The Hufflepuffs bolted, afraid the Gryffindor had finally gone around the bend and would try to snog them or something.

Ron merely cackled harder.

When his manic fit of laughter subsided, Ronald continued his search for the perfect hideout. He came across a door with an emblem of a mop on it- a broom closet.

Perfect.

~! #$%^&*()_+

The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-Sick-Of-This-Crap rolled his eyes at the ferret- Er, Malfoy.

"Really, Malfoy? Potter Stinks? Is that the best you could come up with? Let me guess. Based on the charmwork that would need to be cast to make this a working mechanic of the badges, I'd say you got a Ravenclaw to cast the spells, but you didn't let them have any input onto what they actually said. 'Potter Stinks' seems a bit above your level, actually. Did you ask Daddy Dearest if he had any ideas?"

"Shut up, Scarhead!" The bleach-blond ponce snapped, his face bright red, as he was well aware that the entire hallway of people were laughing at him. "You just wait, when my father hears about this-"

"He'll do exactly the same as you, Draco. Shout some incoherent nonsense that he thinks is threatening, and piss himself in fright. After all, I took care of the Master when I was a toddler, why should I be bothered with the slaves?"

Draco seemed even more indignant at that. "Malfoys' bow to no one! Malfoys' will never serve another!"

"And yet," Hermione sneered, "Your father is branded like livestock, knelt at the feet of a man with no nose, and kissed the hem of his robes while proclaiming him to be 'Master'. Sure sounds like slavery."

"Nobody asked you, Mudblood!" Malfoy fairly snarled.

Harry whipped out his wand, and in ten seconds Draco was bound in ropes, sporting a nasty rash in places he normally only showed to Crabbe and Goyle, had received several stinging hexes to the face, and been hit with a shrinking charm in the same place as the rash.

"I don't care if you insult me, Dracie. But keep your goddamn mouth shut about my girls or I _will_ hurt you. This is your only warning."

He and Hermione turned around, intent on walking the other way, when one of Malfoy's 'bodygaurds' decided to finally act.

Harry barely felt the fist whizz past his ear before a bright flash of light went just past him, and Mad-Eye Moody came tromping down the stairs, his wooden leg clacking on the stone floor, shouting about attacking others when their backs were turned.

Harry turned around to see a still-bound Malfoy, Goyle standing in the same spot as before but looking as if he had no idea what was happening, and a small brown kitten looking fairly panicked on the floor between himself and the two Slytherins.

Well, today had just gotten much more interesting.

~! #$%^&*()_+

Ron Weasley, Dark Lord, decided that, since he had his Dark Lair and Dark Cutting Curse taken care of, he needed to gather a legion of Dark Followers.

But how to go about that?

He walked out of the Dark Broom Closet, looking up and down the hall for inspiration.

A Hufflepuff Firstie blinked back at him.

Excellent.

"Hey, Midget! Want to be my evil minion?" And the Mudblood Homework Machine said he was totally tactless. He sure could show her!

The Firstie stared back at him for a moment as if considering.

"Will you be able to get me candy?"

Well, he knew the House Elves gave him whatever food he wanted, whenever he wanted it, so he guessed he could get some candy for the Firstie from them. Maybe he could even hire some more and pay them in sweets! It was perfect!

"Sure, Midget!"

"Okay, so what do I need to do to be your 'minion'?" The Firstie, Natalie MacDonald*, asked dryly. She had a feeling that this was a great way to relieve the boredom of the school year, and get free candy while she was at it. And this guy was clearly stupid. She wondered briefly what else she could cheat him out of...

"All you have to do is put up a notice on your Common Room Message board saying, 'Dark Lord Ron Weasley looking for Dark Followers. Must be motivated, and willing to be paid in conjured candy.'"

Okay, I will! Bye!" She smiled at him, turning and skipping in the direction of the Badger's dorms.

~! #$%^&*()_+

*I have no Idea if Natalie is a Firstie in GoF, or what house she is canonically sorted into. I needed a name, and this was the first to pop into my head, and I'm too lazy/busy to research. So now she's a first-year Puff.

~! #$%^&*()_+

Footnote:

Insane sits back down at her computer, resolving to make that blue hedgehog pay with some more angsty storytelling at a later date. She pulls up her profile on FFN and checks the stories.

"Holy fudgemuffins! 87 follows!?" She promptly faints.

Sonic sneaks back in, sees Insane passed ou on the floor, and draws a marker mustache on her face. He grins at the fourth wall, then bolts again.


End file.
